Sam Hinkie and Jerry Colangelo walk into a bar…

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SAM HINKIE sits alone at Jay’s Elbow Room -- a disgusting, cesspool of a bar in South Jersey -- watching a late night matchup between Purdue and Duquesne. Duquesne’s point guard, a sixth-year senior named Cliff Dorvsdale (currently ranked 306th among NBA prospects), drives the lane, leaps off one foot and throws a wrap-around pass directly into a teammate’s brain. The teammate dies on impact. A fan barfs all over his face.

SAM HINKIE: Good idea though.

JERRY COLANGELO walks in carrying a horse.

JERRY COLANGELO: Hi Sam. Why are you drinking milk?

SAM HINKIE: No idea, Jerry. I have no idea what I'm doing.

JERRY COLANGELO: That's obvious. Look Sam, we need to talk about this basketball team.

SAM HINKIE: Duquesne?

JERRY COLANGELO: Shut up, Sam.

SAM HINKIE: Yep.

JERRY COLANGELO: Tell me something, Sam. Why is Isaiah Canaan on this roster?

SAM HINKIE: Glad you asked, Jerry. Isaiah is shooting 38% on spot up thr--

JERRY COLANGELO: Shut up, Sam.

SAM HINKIE: Okee.

JERRY COLANGELO: Just because I ask you a question doesn't mean you have to answer.

SAM HINKIE: Got it.

JERRY COLANGELO: Look, we need to get some good players on this team, Sam. Do you understand that?

SAM HINKIE: No.

JERRY COLANGELO: You need to stop talking, Sam.

SAM HINKIE: Yeah.

JERRY COLANGELO: Here's another question I don't want an answer to: How can you draft three big men in three straight drafts but not sign ANY decent guards to play alongside them? Do you know how important guards are to a big man’s development, Sam? Do not even think of opening your mouth, Sam. Do not even think about it. Josh Harris said during Tuesday’s press conference that you did not foresee this season going this poorly. How did you not see this happening, Sam?

Long silence.

Like, a long, long silence.

SAM HINKIE: I literally don’t know if I’m supposed to answ--

JERRY COLANGELO: You're not, Sam. JaKarr Sampson can’t dribble, Sam.

SAM HINKIE: No he can't.

JERRY COLANGELO: He can’t do anything.

SAM HINKIE: Yeah he's one of those guys who basically can't do anything.

JERRY COLANGELO: We have four first rounders next year. But what does that do for us?

Silence.

SAM HINKIE: Once again, not really sure if I’m supposed to resp--

JERRY COLANGELO: And then there's Dario. If I hear one more thing about Dario.

SAM HINKIE: He's not on the team.

JERRY COLANGELO: HE’S NOT EVEN ON THE TEAM, SAM. He’s not on our payroll. He’s not in our country. He literally doesn't live in this country.

SAM HINKIE: I live in this country.

JERRY COLANGELO: Do you realize the Commissioner MADE me do this, Sam? The Comm-ish-uh-nurr. He called me up. On the phone. No one uses a phone these days, Sam. But he called me up on one. And he begged me to come help you.

SAM HINKIE: I'm drinking milk.

JERRY COLANGELO: Me, a 76-year-old man, a guy who is not even willing to leave his home state. He called me up to help YOU. Do you understand that, Sam? I was essentially retired. When’s the last time you got a phone call Sam?

SAM HINKIE: I honestly can’t remember.

JERRY COLANGELO: I wanna punch you in the face, Sam.

SAM HINKIE: That seems a bit excessive.

JERRY COLANGELO: I wanna take my fist and bash it into your face.

SAM HINKIE: ¯_(ツ)_/¯

JERRY COLANGELO: Tony Wroten’s pretty good though.

SAM HINKIE: He really attacks.

JERRY COLANGELO: I love him.

SAM HINKIE: Me too.

JERRY COLANGELO: Whaddya say we go to Delilah’s?

SAM HINKIE: Bang bang chicken and shrimp!

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