Donald Trump, Sixers GM

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-Calls Sam Hinkie's three years in charge a disgrace, and the concept of losing to win "totally un-American." 

-Decries Brett Brown for instilling a Losing Culture in Philadelphia, and points to his 47-199 overall record as incontrovertible evidence of this.

-Talks a lot about making a big splash in free agency, but blanches at dipping into the luxury tax.

-Values Jahlil Okafor over Nerlens Noel because he can actually see Okafor's contributions in the box score, and because Okafor's off-court mishaps show that he's a "fighter," while Noel's recent discontent makes him a "quitter." 

-Doesn't get why fans were so excited about us trading for a Canadian last summer. 

-Spends his most productive office hours trying to squeeze Wells Fargo over the building sponsorship rights. 

-Denies ever publicly supporting the Andrew Bynum trade. 

-Ardently refuses to waive or buy out Carl Landry, repeatedly pronouncing that paying veterans to not play for the team is part of what has impressed a "small-market mentality" upon this franchise. 

-Publicly dares the Lakers to remove the protection on their top-three pick, if they've really gotten so much better this summer. 

-Regularly inserts himself into player intros. 

-Answers questions about Joel Embiid's nagging health issues with shrugging, smirking "I'm just saying, you get what you pay for" type comments. 

-Trades two future first-rounders to Chicago for point guard and proven winner Rajon Rondo, responds to criticism by promising that the Sixers' current state of crisis is so great that if we don't make changes now, we might not even still have a team in 2020. 

-Mispronounces Dario Saric's name a different way at every press conference. 

-Speaks politely, if unenthusiastically, of Josh Harris, but calls James Dolan "the last of the great NBA owners." 

-Chortles at voiced concerns about the team's lack of perimeter play and poor floor balance, declaring that the Sixers' big-heavy lineup "just means that we're finally not going to get pushed around anymore."

-Awkwardly attempts to establish kinship with Allen Iverson, joking he "didn't need the practice either." 

-Insists that Ben Simmons could have shot and made three-pointers at LSU if he'd wanted to.

-Tries to make "Trump the Process" a thing.

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