The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

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The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

I've never.

 

If there's one thing Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please. If there's two things Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please and yelling at people for parking like idiots in a Wawa parking lot. If there's three things Philadelphians are good at, it's omg you get the point, parking, we get excited about parking... and also hating people. We love, love, love to hate people. We'll hate anyone. Troy Aikman. Dann Cuellar. Troy Aikman's fat mom. And now this upcoming Sunday, as the #USMNT gets set to take on Portugal, we have the opportunity to hate someone who's so easy to hate it's almost not even worth it... Troy Aikman's fat dad! And also Cristiano Ronaldo! There's honestly so much to hate about this guy: His dipsy-do haircut. That stupid side-saddle stance he does before taking a free kick. His dumb, fat mother. But you already know about all that. That's like Intro to Hating Cristiano Ronaldo 101. In order to be a true CR7 hater -- a true degenerate Philadelphia CR7 hater -- you gotta dig deeper. And that's what I did. Here's what I found when I searched the world wide web for "Cristiano Ronaldo Wikipedia": Not sure if you've heard of Wikipedia, it's a pretty cool website, but according to its page on Cristiano, Ronaldo was named after Ronald Reagan (I'm not making this up) who apparently was Cristiano's father's favourite actor. Now, no disrespect to Ronald Reagan, who was an idiot, but Ronaldo's father was clearly a bigger idiot. Yeah, he had a cool beard (which you can see below) and later died of an alcoholism-related liver disease (which is sad), but still, RONALD REAGAN? Forget about how sad alcohol abuse is for a minute, or what you thought about BEDTIME FOR BONZO, can you imagine naming your son after a movie star? "Hey Roger, c'mere for a sec. I just wanted to introduce you to my pride and joy, Marf Rurfalo." Here's Cristiano standing with his star-loving father and the rest of his fam -- proving that his smarmy, smug look just comes natural to him. Seriously, have you ever seen a more I don't give a fuhhhhhh attitude on a child? I'm guessing the girls in his middle school LOVED him. According to that Wikipedia website again, Ronaldo was actually quite popular with his classmates at school, but was expelled after he threw a chair at his teacher. Ronaldo later said of the incident, "He disrespected me." Now, even though I kinda want to make fun of Cris for that, and how he was probably a total spaz, that's actually a pretty bad ass move. Mad respect to people who throw chairs at teachers. School sucks. That's just a fact. A medical fact. And sometimes you gotta fire a chair at a guy's brain. We've all grown up with loose cannons like Cris. The bad boy from my middle school was named Rob Harmelin. Dumb kid. I mean, really dumb kid. In third grade I watched him eat an entire Trapper Keeper. But in sixth grade, that's when he went from total weirdo to class hero. Because that's when he ripped a pencil sharpener off the wall and chucked it at Stuart Roldenberg. Then when Mrs. Richland told him to go to the principal's office, he told her she could "suck my norbs any day of the week." We were all blown away, not necessarily by what he did, but by the fact that Tim Getto, the biggest perv job in our school, told us that norbs was "where your balls meet your bunghole." I will never forget that moment. I'm guessing Stuart Roldenberg won't either. We seriously didn't have sharp pencils in that class for the rest of the year. School is honestly so stupid. When Cristiano left middle school, he signed to play for a youth side in Portugal, then moved on to Sporting and later Manchester United, where he turned into the type of person who'd wear an outfit like this. It wasn't long after this picture was taken that Cris was quoted as saying, "People are jealous of me as I am young, handsome and rich." Now, you could argue that he's right -- and he is -- but it's not like his father named him after James Spader. This guy is no James Spader. He's more like that lady you work with, the one who's always like, "I tells it like it is. If you don't like it, that's on you. It's called speaking the trufth!" No, it's called being an asshole. Just because you tell the truth doesn't mean you should. You don't hear me bragging about the fact that I have a PERFECTLY aerodynamic 14-incher. That's because I don't. But if I did... awwww man, if I did. I would seriously never, EVER, shut up about it. Wow. There's not really anything I can say here that's gonna compete with that picture above, is there? I'm not even gonna try. Dude, Entourage was seriously the dumbest television show in the history of the planet. And that includes Wipeout. In 2010, Ronaldo announced that he became a father, to a little boy he also named Cristiano. Turns out, his baby momma (who chooses to remain anonymous) is actually American, and the child was born in the United States, which means that little Cristiano is an American citizen, and could -- if he chooses -- one day play for the US Men's NatiOMG I LOVE CRISTIANO RONALDO. HE'S SO GOOD AT SOCCER. THE WAY HE HIGH-STEPS AND GLIDES DOWN THE LEFT WING. THOSE RIDICULOUS ROCKETS HE BLASTS ON THE MOVE. THE HEADERS. WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE HEADERS. I WILL SERIOUSLY THROW A CHAIR AT MRS. RICHLAND RIGHT NOW. WHO CARES ABOUT SUNDAY? WORLD CUP 2028 IS GONNA BE BONKS. HATERS GONNA HATE. RONALDO'S GONNA RONALD. NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, FOLKS. ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY THREE THINGS TO HATE ABOUT RONALDO IN THIS POST. I HOPE WE BREAK HIS LEGS. Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Awwwwe: Chooch leaves his Phillies teammates a love note on clubhouse whiteboard

Awwwwe: Chooch leaves his Phillies teammates a love note on clubhouse whiteboard

As if you didn't think you could love Carlos Ruiz any more...

Chooch was traded on Thursday afternoon and he's since departed for potentially playoff-bound pastures with his new-again teammate Chase Utley and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

But not before he left his Phillies teammates a loving note written on the whiteboard in the clubhouse at Citi Field where the Phils play the Mets this evening.

Courtesy of CSNPhilly.com's Phillies beat reporter Jim Salisbury:

It reads:

"I will miss all of you guys. Good luck the rest of the season. Love you all, Chooch! (Gracias)"

Awwwwwwwwe.

Gestures like the above help explain why guys like Roy Halladay call Chooch their favorite baseball player ever.

Is Eagles' Carson Wentz the 'holy grail' of modern NFL QB prospects?

Is Eagles' Carson Wentz the 'holy grail' of modern NFL QB prospects?

The NFL is constantly evolving, but pro offenses, their very design, and the types of athletes who can run those offenses are changing, rapidly beyond recognition.

That is precisely one of the reasons behind the Eagles' bold decision to trade three years worth of draft picks in April for the opportunity to get Carson Wentz out of North Dakota State. Because Wentz didn't represent merely another quarterback prospect coming out of college — some feel as though this 23-year-old kid might be the future of the position in the NFL.

Don't take my word for it. Take that of Brad Childress, former Eagles offensive coordinator who eventually wound up following long-time head coach Andy Reid to Kansas City. It's there where Childress was tasked with a unique role: "spread game analyst."

For more on that, what the spread offense is and how its prevalence in the college game is altering the landscape of the NFL, you'll have to read Kevin Clark's piece over at The Ringer. Trust us, it's worth it. Long-time Eagles executive Joe Banner hails the piece as, "One of the best, smartest, most correct articles I have read in a long time," and it's hard to argue. Chances are you'll learn something.

But for our purposes, the aspect of the piece we'll focus on is how the growth of the spread offense is tied to the selection of Wentz. NFL coaches like Childress or front-office types such as Eagles vice president of football operations Howie Roseman see in Wentz a rare hybrid of the the spread and pro-style quarterback, which as it turns out, may be ideally suited to succeed in a league that increasingly uses both types of offense.

Childress, meanwhile, believes the current holy grail is the prospect who ran spread plays at the college level that can be easily imported to the pro level. He mentioned Eagles rookie quarterback Carson Wentz, who at North Dakota State played in a multiple-style offense that incorporated spread concepts. Childress was impressed that Wentz played under center sometimes and in the shotgun at other times, and that regardless of the formation, he was adept at making various throws. He said some of the sweep plays Wentz ran were particularly impressive, and that he wants to incorporate what he saw into the Chiefs’ game plan.

Eagles executive vice president of football operations Howie Roseman, who took Wentz second overall in the draft, called his college system “a pro-style concept that hints at where the sport is going.” Roseman, like Spielman, said that changes in the college game have forced him to alter how he evaluates passers: Because the college game is so different from the NFL game, Roseman is forced to put less emphasis on tape and more emphasis on test scores and smarts.

It's an extremely interesting perspective. It also jives with another line of thinking many believe led the Eagles to jump all over Wentz: There may not be another college signal-caller with this type of makeup to come around for a long time, as more and more programs go to entirely spread-based systems.

Yes, concepts of the spread have made their way to the NFL, and they're likely there to stay. However, whether it will become an offense that's fully embraced around the league is a bit trickier, which is why it's probably best to have somebody who can do it all. That partially explains why Wentz became so attractive to the Eagles.

It's also not at all surprising that Childress, Reid, Roseman and current Eagles coach Doug Pederson would all share similar mindsets on the direction the NFL is headed. There are too many ties here for it to be purely a coincidence, and Clark's piece about the spread offense would seem to shed some light on some of the back story about how Wentz became an Eagle.

Charles Barkley weighs in on Zeke Elliott: 'all marijuana made me want to do was eat potato chips'

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Associated Press

Charles Barkley weighs in on Zeke Elliott: 'all marijuana made me want to do was eat potato chips'

Charles Barkley may have recently had his hip replaced but he hasn't let a little procedure slow him down. Well, slow his mouth down at least.

Sir Charles joined the 94 WIP morning show on Friday to chat with his old pal Howard Eskin.

The worst part about the hip replacement and need to use a walker for about six weeks?

“I can’t put my foot up your [butt] like I want to," Barkley told Eskin.

Their conversation was wide ranging: Olympics basketball, Cowboys RB Zeke Elliott being photographed in a marijuana shop in Seattle, his new show on TNT show "The Race Card," and anything else that came into his head.

They started off talking about Team USA and their gold medal in Rio. Sir Charles thinks they need more role players on that type of team.

"I thought they had too many ball-dominant guys. You need role players for that team to flow freely," Barkley said, pointing to DeAndre Jordan as one of the few guys on the team who played his role nicely without needing the ball.

Barkley would also love to see young players like Ben Simmons or even Nerlens Noel in the Olympics to make them more watchable.

Perhaps the funniest line of the interview came up when talking about Zeke Elliot being in a marijuana shop in Seattle where such a store is legal.

“That’s just stupid,” Barkley said.

“Come on, man. You gotta be smarter than that. I’m not a marijuana guy. I smoked pot like five times in my life. All it made me want to do was eat potato chips. It was like a waste of my time. I didn’t feel no euphoria, it didn’t take me to no special place. I just said, ‘do we have any more potato chips in the state of Alabama or Pennsylvania.’”

The two briefly mentioned Barkley's new show on TNT which will focus a lot on race relations.

“Cops have made some mistakes but we need the cops," Charles said. "We as black people need to do a much better job at policing ourselves. It’s not like it’s a right or wrong answer, there are a lot of layers.”

It's interesting to hear Barkley talk about a nuanced issue. You don't typically hear Sir Charles consider things with more than an instant response.

And, finally, the interview ended with Chuck saying something we can all agree on after learning Eskin was flying out to Indiana for an Eagles preseason football game.

“Preseason football may be the greatest scam in the world today. What a waste of time.”

Yep.

Check out the podcast of Barkley's interview here.