The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

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The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

I've never.

 

If there's one thing Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please. If there's two things Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please and yelling at people for parking like idiots in a Wawa parking lot. If there's three things Philadelphians are good at, it's omg you get the point, parking, we get excited about parking... and also hating people. We love, love, love to hate people. We'll hate anyone. Troy Aikman. Dann Cuellar. Troy Aikman's fat mom. And now this upcoming Sunday, as the #USMNT gets set to take on Portugal, we have the opportunity to hate someone who's so easy to hate it's almost not even worth it... Troy Aikman's fat dad! And also Cristiano Ronaldo! There's honestly so much to hate about this guy: His dipsy-do haircut. That stupid side-saddle stance he does before taking a free kick. His dumb, fat mother. But you already know about all that. That's like Intro to Hating Cristiano Ronaldo 101. In order to be a true CR7 hater -- a true degenerate Philadelphia CR7 hater -- you gotta dig deeper. And that's what I did. Here's what I found when I searched the world wide web for "Cristiano Ronaldo Wikipedia": Not sure if you've heard of Wikipedia, it's a pretty cool website, but according to its page on Cristiano, Ronaldo was named after Ronald Reagan (I'm not making this up) who apparently was Cristiano's father's favourite actor. Now, no disrespect to Ronald Reagan, who was an idiot, but Ronaldo's father was clearly a bigger idiot. Yeah, he had a cool beard (which you can see below) and later died of an alcoholism-related liver disease (which is sad), but still, RONALD REAGAN? Forget about how sad alcohol abuse is for a minute, or what you thought about BEDTIME FOR BONZO, can you imagine naming your son after a movie star? "Hey Roger, c'mere for a sec. I just wanted to introduce you to my pride and joy, Marf Rurfalo." Here's Cristiano standing with his star-loving father and the rest of his fam -- proving that his smarmy, smug look just comes natural to him. Seriously, have you ever seen a more I don't give a fuhhhhhh attitude on a child? I'm guessing the girls in his middle school LOVED him. According to that Wikipedia website again, Ronaldo was actually quite popular with his classmates at school, but was expelled after he threw a chair at his teacher. Ronaldo later said of the incident, "He disrespected me." Now, even though I kinda want to make fun of Cris for that, and how he was probably a total spaz, that's actually a pretty bad ass move. Mad respect to people who throw chairs at teachers. School sucks. That's just a fact. A medical fact. And sometimes you gotta fire a chair at a guy's brain. We've all grown up with loose cannons like Cris. The bad boy from my middle school was named Rob Harmelin. Dumb kid. I mean, really dumb kid. In third grade I watched him eat an entire Trapper Keeper. But in sixth grade, that's when he went from total weirdo to class hero. Because that's when he ripped a pencil sharpener off the wall and chucked it at Stuart Roldenberg. Then when Mrs. Richland told him to go to the principal's office, he told her she could "suck my norbs any day of the week." We were all blown away, not necessarily by what he did, but by the fact that Tim Getto, the biggest perv job in our school, told us that norbs was "where your balls meet your bunghole." I will never forget that moment. I'm guessing Stuart Roldenberg won't either. We seriously didn't have sharp pencils in that class for the rest of the year. School is honestly so stupid. When Cristiano left middle school, he signed to play for a youth side in Portugal, then moved on to Sporting and later Manchester United, where he turned into the type of person who'd wear an outfit like this. It wasn't long after this picture was taken that Cris was quoted as saying, "People are jealous of me as I am young, handsome and rich." Now, you could argue that he's right -- and he is -- but it's not like his father named him after James Spader. This guy is no James Spader. He's more like that lady you work with, the one who's always like, "I tells it like it is. If you don't like it, that's on you. It's called speaking the trufth!" No, it's called being an asshole. Just because you tell the truth doesn't mean you should. You don't hear me bragging about the fact that I have a PERFECTLY aerodynamic 14-incher. That's because I don't. But if I did... awwww man, if I did. I would seriously never, EVER, shut up about it. Wow. There's not really anything I can say here that's gonna compete with that picture above, is there? I'm not even gonna try. Dude, Entourage was seriously the dumbest television show in the history of the planet. And that includes Wipeout. In 2010, Ronaldo announced that he became a father, to a little boy he also named Cristiano. Turns out, his baby momma (who chooses to remain anonymous) is actually American, and the child was born in the United States, which means that little Cristiano is an American citizen, and could -- if he chooses -- one day play for the US Men's NatiOMG I LOVE CRISTIANO RONALDO. HE'S SO GOOD AT SOCCER. THE WAY HE HIGH-STEPS AND GLIDES DOWN THE LEFT WING. THOSE RIDICULOUS ROCKETS HE BLASTS ON THE MOVE. THE HEADERS. WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE HEADERS. I WILL SERIOUSLY THROW A CHAIR AT MRS. RICHLAND RIGHT NOW. WHO CARES ABOUT SUNDAY? WORLD CUP 2028 IS GONNA BE BONKS. HATERS GONNA HATE. RONALDO'S GONNA RONALD. NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, FOLKS. ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY THREE THINGS TO HATE ABOUT RONALDO IN THIS POST. I HOPE WE BREAK HIS LEGS. Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

Yeah, Joel Embiid is healthy

Yeah, Joel Embiid is healthy

Have any doubts about Joel Embiid's health?

Well take a look at this. 

Working on rips into quick spins with the brodie @joelembiid! #100skills100days #unseenhours @adidashoops

A video posted by Drew Hanlen (@drewhanlen) on

How about now?

Of course, this isn't live NBA action, and it is against 5-11 Drew Hanlen, a skills coach and consultant, but it's impressive nonetheless.

 

Eagles Better or Worse 2016: Cornerbacks

Eagles Better or Worse 2016: Cornerbacks

Sad as it is to say of a defense that ranked dead last against the pass, but the Eagles probably fielded their best cornerback tandem in years in 2015. Byron Maxwell and Nolan Carroll were an upgrade over Cary Williams and Bradley Fletcher, which is nothing to hang their hats on, although they weren't as bad as the numbers suggest either. Second-round draft pick Eric Rowe showed a lot of promise down the stretch as well.

Still, for the fourth time in six years, the Eagles may once again start the season with a brand new pairing at corner. Maxwell and his absurd contract were shipped out, and while Carroll and Rowe both return, they face stiff competition. The club signed Leodis McKelvin and Ron Brooks, both of whom played under defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz with the Bills and seem to be penciled in at the top of the depth chart. And while Brooks' spot might be up for grabs, McKelvin might have his locked down.

All of which indicates there's at least one new face at corner this year, and that's before we touch on the slot. Change probably isn't a bad thing considering the Eagles' ranking through the air has nowhere to go but up. Competition is certainly welcome as well. That being said, Maxwell may have been an overpriced diva, but did the Eagles effectively replace his talent?

BETTER
Nickel cornerback

This is definitely debatable, as Malcolm Jenkins turned out to be exceptional in the slot for the Eagles last season. The problem is he's actually a safety, and the result of moving him to corner was Chris Maragos or Ed Reynolds entering the game behind him. The trade-off was worth it at the time, but far from ideal.

For 2016, it appears a third cornerback will play on the nickel package instead. As of right now, the smart money is on seventh-round rookie Jalen Mills, who was getting a lot of reps and really impressed during OTAs, although the Eagles have other options. It looks like Leodis McKelvin will earn one of the starting jobs, but could move inside in passing situations. Fellow free-agent addition Ron Brooks knows the system and could get a shot at the role as well. Even Nolan Carroll, while he's not seen much action in the slot, he probably has to play somewhere if he's going to make the team.

Are any of these alternatives to Jenkins going to be an upgrade? That might be going out on a limb. But is slight decline at nickel corner worth the significant drop-off the Eagles suffered at safety as a result? On balance, this looks like a better situation overall.

WORSE
Size

Say what you want about Maxwell, but what the Eagles are getting in scheme fit with McKelvin, they are sacrificing in size. Part of Maxwell's appeal was his 6'3" frame in a league where the wide receivers increasingly resemble NBA basketball players, and while he disappointed with his attitude and lack of physicality, he matched up well when healthy and in the right mind frame.

McKelvin is no slouch. Selected 11th overall in 2008, he's an impressive athlete with a nose for the football. He's also 5'10", will be 31 on opening day and has had trouble keeping a starting job for much of his career. Maxwell didn't live up to the huge contract he signed last offseason, but wasn't as bad as his press either. None of which to say the Eagles won't be better off with McKelvin when everything is said and done, and for a fraction of the cost. When he's giving up five inches to Dez Bryant, on the other hand, we'll find out a lot.

THE SAME
Eric Rowe, Nolan Carroll

Ron Brooks has started all of three games in four NFL seasons, so as much as he may know the scheme, it would still be an upset if he beat out either Carroll or Rowe for a starting job. And while Carroll and Rowe may not be the same as players, they're the closest thing the Eagles have to a known quantity beyond McKelvin.

Carroll is coming off of a devastating ankle injury that might help explain why there weren't many offers in free agency this offseason. Even the Eagles only gave him a one-year, non-guaranteed contract, so the seventh-year veteran must prove he's healthy. To his credit, Carroll was actually having a very solid year in 2015 prior to getting hurt, and you couldn't blame him for feeling as though this is his job to lose.

After a strong finish to last season, the assumption coming into camp was Rowe would be one of the starters. Last year's second-round pick was a bit of an afterthought during OTAs though, so there's some question what his role will be with the Eagles going forward. Then again, the simple fact is Rowe may be the most talented corner on the roster at this point, so you have to assume he has a good shot to not only earn the job in training camp, but improve upon his quality play last year. The name on the back of the jersey may be the same, but the hope remains he's still getting better.

THE UNKNOWN
Pretty much everything

This is the position we know the absolute least about for the Eagles coming into camp. Aside from McKelvin, we don't know who the other starter is, let alone the front-runner. We can't say for sure who will be in the slot, only that he'll probably be a cornerback. We don't know who the primary backups will be. We don't even know if Carroll will be on the roster until everything is said and done. As to how it all goes down, your guess is as good as ours.

BETTER OR WORSE?

With so much uncertainty, typically it might be difficult to declare whether the unit is any better or worse. When it's a last-place secondary you're talking about, that's a little different. Maxwell honestly isn't a bad corner, but McKelvin probably isn't a dramatic downgrade. Beyond that, all the Eagles did was add and retain talent. Mills could contribute immediately, Brooks is an experienced backup, Carroll can play as long as he's healthy and Rowe is another year older. If they can't piece together a dependable duo and trio out of this group, they might never get this thing right. BETTER

Previously: Quarterbacks, Running Backs, Wide ReceiversTight Ends, Offensive LineDefensive Line, LinebackersSafeties, Special Teams

Watch: The Phillie Phanatic befriends an Ewok on Star Wars night

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Watch: The Phillie Phanatic befriends an Ewok on Star Wars night

The Phillies played like Womp rat butt on Thursday night but it was Star Wars night at the ballpark so that was fun.

One notable addition to the usual cast of Star Wars characters to invade Citizens Bank Park was a nice old Ewok who the Phillie Phanatic seemed to be a pretty big fan of.

They hugged, high-fived, and probably talked about the Dark Side invading Philadelphia next week with the arrival of Hillary and co.