The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

usa-cristianoronaldo-us-portugal-worldcup.jpg

The Evster finds even more things to hate about Cristiano Ronaldo

I've never.

 

If there's one thing Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please. If there's two things Philadelphians are good at, it's parking our cars wherever we damn well please and yelling at people for parking like idiots in a Wawa parking lot. If there's three things Philadelphians are good at, it's omg you get the point, parking, we get excited about parking... and also hating people. We love, love, love to hate people. We'll hate anyone. Troy Aikman. Dann Cuellar. Troy Aikman's fat mom. And now this upcoming Sunday, as the #USMNT gets set to take on Portugal, we have the opportunity to hate someone who's so easy to hate it's almost not even worth it... Troy Aikman's fat dad! And also Cristiano Ronaldo! There's honestly so much to hate about this guy: His dipsy-do haircut. That stupid side-saddle stance he does before taking a free kick. His dumb, fat mother. But you already know about all that. That's like Intro to Hating Cristiano Ronaldo 101. In order to be a true CR7 hater -- a true degenerate Philadelphia CR7 hater -- you gotta dig deeper. And that's what I did. Here's what I found when I searched the world wide web for "Cristiano Ronaldo Wikipedia": Not sure if you've heard of Wikipedia, it's a pretty cool website, but according to its page on Cristiano, Ronaldo was named after Ronald Reagan (I'm not making this up) who apparently was Cristiano's father's favourite actor. Now, no disrespect to Ronald Reagan, who was an idiot, but Ronaldo's father was clearly a bigger idiot. Yeah, he had a cool beard (which you can see below) and later died of an alcoholism-related liver disease (which is sad), but still, RONALD REAGAN? Forget about how sad alcohol abuse is for a minute, or what you thought about BEDTIME FOR BONZO, can you imagine naming your son after a movie star? "Hey Roger, c'mere for a sec. I just wanted to introduce you to my pride and joy, Marf Rurfalo." Here's Cristiano standing with his star-loving father and the rest of his fam -- proving that his smarmy, smug look just comes natural to him. Seriously, have you ever seen a more I don't give a fuhhhhhh attitude on a child? I'm guessing the girls in his middle school LOVED him. According to that Wikipedia website again, Ronaldo was actually quite popular with his classmates at school, but was expelled after he threw a chair at his teacher. Ronaldo later said of the incident, "He disrespected me." Now, even though I kinda want to make fun of Cris for that, and how he was probably a total spaz, that's actually a pretty bad ass move. Mad respect to people who throw chairs at teachers. School sucks. That's just a fact. A medical fact. And sometimes you gotta fire a chair at a guy's brain. We've all grown up with loose cannons like Cris. The bad boy from my middle school was named Rob Harmelin. Dumb kid. I mean, really dumb kid. In third grade I watched him eat an entire Trapper Keeper. But in sixth grade, that's when he went from total weirdo to class hero. Because that's when he ripped a pencil sharpener off the wall and chucked it at Stuart Roldenberg. Then when Mrs. Richland told him to go to the principal's office, he told her she could "suck my norbs any day of the week." We were all blown away, not necessarily by what he did, but by the fact that Tim Getto, the biggest perv job in our school, told us that norbs was "where your balls meet your bunghole." I will never forget that moment. I'm guessing Stuart Roldenberg won't either. We seriously didn't have sharp pencils in that class for the rest of the year. School is honestly so stupid. When Cristiano left middle school, he signed to play for a youth side in Portugal, then moved on to Sporting and later Manchester United, where he turned into the type of person who'd wear an outfit like this. It wasn't long after this picture was taken that Cris was quoted as saying, "People are jealous of me as I am young, handsome and rich." Now, you could argue that he's right -- and he is -- but it's not like his father named him after James Spader. This guy is no James Spader. He's more like that lady you work with, the one who's always like, "I tells it like it is. If you don't like it, that's on you. It's called speaking the trufth!" No, it's called being an asshole. Just because you tell the truth doesn't mean you should. You don't hear me bragging about the fact that I have a PERFECTLY aerodynamic 14-incher. That's because I don't. But if I did... awwww man, if I did. I would seriously never, EVER, shut up about it. Wow. There's not really anything I can say here that's gonna compete with that picture above, is there? I'm not even gonna try. Dude, Entourage was seriously the dumbest television show in the history of the planet. And that includes Wipeout. In 2010, Ronaldo announced that he became a father, to a little boy he also named Cristiano. Turns out, his baby momma (who chooses to remain anonymous) is actually American, and the child was born in the United States, which means that little Cristiano is an American citizen, and could -- if he chooses -- one day play for the US Men's NatiOMG I LOVE CRISTIANO RONALDO. HE'S SO GOOD AT SOCCER. THE WAY HE HIGH-STEPS AND GLIDES DOWN THE LEFT WING. THOSE RIDICULOUS ROCKETS HE BLASTS ON THE MOVE. THE HEADERS. WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE HEADERS. I WILL SERIOUSLY THROW A CHAIR AT MRS. RICHLAND RIGHT NOW. WHO CARES ABOUT SUNDAY? WORLD CUP 2028 IS GONNA BE BONKS. HATERS GONNA HATE. RONALDO'S GONNA RONALD. NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, FOLKS. ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY THREE THINGS TO HATE ABOUT RONALDO IN THIS POST. I HOPE WE BREAK HIS LEGS. Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

The Game of Zones-Joel Embiid mashup you didn't know you needed

The Game of Zones-Joel Embiid mashup you didn't know you needed

There are times in all of our Internet lives when we come across a piece of content that we don't quite understand, that we didn't really know we needed, yet fills our black Philadelphia sports fan hearts with joy anyway.

Today is one of those days.

And that piece of content is this Game of Zones x Embiid mashup.

If you're unfamiliar, this is the latest in Bleacher Report's fun take on a Game of Thrones/NBA mashup.

There's the mountain of a man that is Joel Embiid laid up with a presumably bum knee. There's the Temple of Shirley potion to give him life. There's the maester Sam Hinkie shouting off his analytics spells. There's Hinkie talking about growing the seeds and reaping the harvest. There's a terrifying looking Dario. There is a raising of the cat. 

Perhaps the best part is Jahlil Okafor attempting to hold the door.

What does it all mean? I don't know. But I trust it.

Jim Harbaugh takes blame for Jim Schwartz handshake feud

Jim Harbaugh takes blame for Jim Schwartz handshake feud

With one season in Philadelphia under Jim Schwartz’s belt, Eagles fans are well aware of the intensity the defensive coordinator brings to the sidelines. But before joining Doug Pederson's staff, Schwartz attracted plenty of attention during a five-year stint as head coach of the Detroit Lions from 2009-2013. A highlight of his tenure in the Motor City developed a new wrinkle this week.

Maybe the most memorable moment during his time in Detroit was the unnecessarily ugly midfield feud in 2011’s Week 6 with then-49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh. Schwartz marched to midfield for the postgame handshake after his Lions took their first loss of the season. Harbaugh, a usually-excited guy with cause for a little extra enthusiasm after a fourth straight win, came in too strong for Schwartz’s liking. Schwartz chased down Harbaugh as he ran for the tunnel and the two exchanged some choice words. Coaches and players flocked to the tussle. What started as standard postgame procedure became the national talking-point nobody needed for the ensuing week.

The six-year-old incident returned to the conversation this week with Harbaugh, now the head coach at the University of Michigan, admitting on Barstool Sports’ Pardon My Take podcast (and as transcribed by ESPN) that he was to blame for things getting out of hand. 

"I went in too hard on that, too aggressive on the handshake," Harbaugh said on the podcast. "We've talked, and we're good. We're back to friends. ... There is a protocol in a postgame handshake. I've been there as the winner. I've been there as a loser. You just, 'Nice game,' then go celebrate. Premature celebration there, in the wrong."

On top of discussing his gifting Pope Francis a pair of Jordan sneakers and his theory that bringing a glove to catch a foul ball is acceptable for fans, Harbaugh went on to explain the last time he got in a real fight, as opposed to the silly scrum that went down at Ford Field that fateful day. He was 39, at the end of his days as a player, and got into it with two men at a restaurant.

"I did not win," he said. "I cannot say I won. I didn't get crushed, either. I got some blows in."

Harbaugh has a reputation for his passion, and the handshake debacle with Schwartz was no exception. It’s just that his passion often translates to doing things in a non-traditional way. He’s the khakis guy, always sporting his trademark dad-pants on the sidelines — he even tucked an Allen Iverson jersey into them once. He’ll do anything to get a leg up in recruiting, for example, sleeping over at a recruit's house for some “Netflix and Chill.”

Schwartz, similarly, is frequently fired up, and that aggression bleeds into his defensive scheme. 

Harbaugh is in the college game now, so the development in this nearly forgotten exchange isn’t life-changing. But if he ever returns to the pros, it’s good to know a postgame handshake with Schwartz wouldn't revive any bad blood.