The Evster's tips for having a nice time while playing football on Thanksgiving

The Evster's tips for having a nice time while playing football on Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving day, idiots all across America will lube up with Ben Gay and attempt to play some sort of game that kind of resembles football. Most games will be intense, some will be a nightmare, all will feature at least one dickhead who insists on punting the ball during warmups. I've never understood why people do this. Just throw the stupid ball back to the human being it came from, and then repeat this over and over again. No one is impressed by your ability to kick a football in the complete opposite direction you want it to go. You literally have no control of your feet. Everybody hates you. Still, the rest of football is fun, which is why every year you strap on that long underwear and lace up the old Diadoras. And that's fine, that's perfectly fine, but remember, you're not a teenager anymore. You're probably not even a 20-something anymore. There's a chance that if you're reading this, that you are the oldest, fattest person on the entire planet. I honestly can't believe you know how to use a computer. So be careful out there, old fella, and be sure to follow The Evster's Tips for Having a Nice Time While Playing Football on Thanksgiving. Tip #1: Just Stay Home - You're going to kill yourself. Or at the very least, tear your Achilles tendon right off the bone. Let's be honest, you are in no condition to do anything, let alone run around with a bunch of men whose definition of "bump and run" coverage is kicking you in the shins. But then again, you are a stubborn jackass, and no one can tell you what to do. So if you're gonna play (and you're obviously gonna play) just make sure you get there early and ... Tip #2: Stretch - When you first show up to the field, you're gonna see a bunch of your old friends (a few of them smoking cigarettes) who you're going to wanna yuck it up with. You'll say what's up, give 'em some dap and then someone's gonna throw a football at your chest and say something like, "Hey let's throw a football!" and you're gonna get all excited and run around like a dipshit and then before you know it the game's gonna start without you getting to properly loosen up. THIS IS VERY, VERY DANGEROUS. You neeeeeeeed to stretch. I know it's lame, and yeah, you'll look like a total dufus doing it, but not nearly as big of a dufus as the guy who will have to limp around the dinner table four hours later. Do every stretch you've ever learned. Right over left, left over right. Lay down on your back and WORK THOSE HAMMIES. Don't forget about the butterfly jawn. That one is classic. Remember, you are not Edgerrin James. You have never been Edgerrin James. Edgerrin James has had sex with more people than all of your friends combined. This is a FACT. Tip #3: Don't Wear Any of Your Dope Jerseys - I don't care if you just found your old Deion Sanders Falcons jawn, do not wear it. Every year, some butthead shows up in an amazing jersey and gets it ripped by some scumbag who is too lazy to move his feet after getting burnt on an out-and-up. (By the way, there is no better pattern to burn someone on than the out-and-up. Especially if you're wearing cleats and your defender is not. Another tip: WEAR CLEATS.) Then the guy who gets his jersey ripped always whines like, "Duuuuuude! You ripped my jersey!" and everyone else is all, "Calmmmmm downnnnnn. It's just a stupid jersey," when secretly everyone loves jerseys and would be super pissed if they got theirs ripped, too. Instead, wear an ugly shirt you don't care about, like that one you bought from ZooWithRoy.com. Or just play bare chested and freak everyone out. (Note: if you do this, make sure to wear extra Ben Gay. This will not only make you more slippery and harder to tackle, but no one will want to touch you for fear of smelling like your dead grandfather.) Tip #4: Carry a Knife - Always worth having. Both to cut off those dangling threads from your shirt and also to stab another man in his chest. Tip #5: Line Up Opposite to Your Fattest, Laziest Friend - Make a deal with your buddy to take every third play off and then HONOR THAT DEAL. It will be the greatest arrangement you've ever made in your life. Not sure if you're aware of this, but going out for a pass on every single play is EXHAUSTING. Desean Jackson is in incredible shape. You have trouble putting your socks on. By making this pact, you and your friend can just jog around all afternoon while cracking jokes and pretending to give a shit when really you're just trying to get to dinner without dislocating your hip. The only problem is that inevitably your friend is going to play possum and try to blow by you at the line of scrimmage, which is when you should take out your knife and shank him in the ribs. Tip #6: No Quarterback Scrambling - This is the worst: Quarterbacks who take forever, almost like they're just waiting for someone to count to seven Mississippi, before they can take off down the sidelines. It's like, yeah, of course you're gonna pick up the first, everyone else is 35 yards downfield, dry-heaving over a trashcan. Just throw the ball off your back foot like Eli Manning. Or just throw it in a trashcan. That's always hilarious. Tip #7: Don't Do Anything - Honestly, nothing matters. Nobody's impressed by the guy who eats yogurt and dominates Thanksgiving football. There won't be any girls watching, or scouts on the sidelines, and there's really no reason to do anything at all. This is sort of my entire philosophy on life. I mean, why the freak should you ever do stuff? This Thanksgiving, just enjoy the fresh air. Maybe you'll catch a touchdown, maybe you'll see a few squirrels, maybe you won't get diarrhea from eating Wendy's the night before. That's really all that matters. Not getting diarrhea. Good luck to you.

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Watch: Jon Dorenbos wows America's Got Talent judges with map trick

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NBC

Watch: Jon Dorenbos wows America's Got Talent judges with map trick

Eagles long snapper Jon Dorenbos did it again. 

The 36-year-old performed another jaw-dropping magic trick on NBC's America's Got Talent on Tuesday night. 

His tricks have progressively gotten more and more intricate on the show. The first two times, he went with card tricks before doing an impressive shattering-glass trick the last time. 

On Tuesday night, Dorenbos went even further. This time, he made all the judges snap or throw velcro footballs onto a giant map. Then there was a locked wooden chest and quarters and a lot of moving parts, but it was all very impressive when he wrapped up the trick and left the judges speechless. 

And, of course, after it was over, he dropped a "Go Birds!" in true Philadelphia fashion. He'll play in the final preseason game on Thursday night. 

Dorenbos will need fan votes to stay alive in the competition. Watch the entire trick below: 

Phillies shut out, but Jake Thompson's best start yet and kudos to that one fan

Phillies shut out, but Jake Thompson's best start yet and kudos to that one fan

You knew it probably wasn't going to be a very good night for the Phillies after Jayson Werth led off the game with a home run for the Washington Nationals. After the smarting blow from our former WFC RF, the Nats picked up another run to go up 2-0 in the first, and that was plenty for the NL East leaders on a windy Monday night in Philly. The Fightins managed just four hits, one walk, and zero runs worth of offense, and Tanner Roark and the Nats shut 'em out, 4-0, for the series opener. (That's Werth's 18th homer against the Phils, btw — one off his single-opponent high of 19 against the Braves, and in about 60 fewer games.)

Luckily, the night wasn't a complete wash for the Phils: We got our best start yet — indeed, the first one that would likely qualify as "good" — from young righty starter Jake Thompson, who buckled down after the two first-inning runs, and went six scoreless from there. (Thompson had yet to pitch more than three consecutive innings without an earned run in his four starts to date.) The starter's finest inning was his last, where he notched all three of his strikeouts on the evening, including a particular beauty dropped in for a third strike on an incredulous Trea Turner to close the frame. For a 22-year-old pitcher whose early-career issues are often said to be more mental than mechanical, it could be a huge confidence boost to come through like that against one of the best offenses in the NL.

Meanwhile, the other hero for the Phils tonight came in the guise of a fan sitting on the first-base line, who responded to a Frank Herrmann pickoff overthrow by reflexively cleanly fielding the ball as it bounced near the seats. The fan-interference got Nats third-baseman Anthony Rendon, who was well on his way to third base, called back to second, incensing Washington manager Dusty Baker and earning the fan a good deal of high-fives from the fans in his section. He got booted from the stadium — and Rendon was rewarded third base anyway after Baker's challenge was supported by replay — but y'know. No one can say dude didn't do what he could, and that's all anyone can ask of a real fan.

Jerad Eickhoff vs. Max Scherzer at 7:00 tonight. Still just 9.5 games out of the second wild-card spot.

Eagles LB Myke Tavarres reportedly changes mind, will stand for national anthem

Eagles LB Myke Tavarres reportedly changes mind, will stand for national anthem

Several hours after telling ESPN that he would join Colin Kaepernick in not standing for the national anthem, Eagles rookie linebacker Myke Tavarres has apparently changed his mind. 

Tavarres' agent told FOX29's Chris O'Connell Monday afternoon that the linebacker will stand for the national anthem Thursday in the Eagles' preseason finale against the Jets.

All right then. 

Eagles head coach Doug Pederson released the following statement regarding Tavarres' decision(s):

For what it's worth, Crossing Broad found this picture from Tavarres a few weeks ago, when he certainly seemed to be pro-America.

Happy Independence Day!! 🇺🇸

A photo posted by Myke Tavarres (@myket14) on