A message to runners everywhere: shutttttt uppppppp

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A message to runners everywhere: shutttttt uppppppp

Oh, you're running a 10-miler this weekend? That's sooooooooo interesting. Can't wait to see you bing-bonging down Broad Street with your rock-hard jawline, pressing the buttons on your digital watch: beep beep boop boop beep beep beep! Tell us again what kind of yogurt you eat. Tell us again how we’re all going to die from congestive heart failure. Oh holy runner who art thou, oh ye who wears lightweight Brooks™ running sneaks, please, please, please tell us more about your breathable mesh socks. Because it’s hard to hear you over the sound of all these Grandma Utzs crunching in my mouth.  

I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but runners have recently cemented their place as the fourth most nauseating people on the planet, right behind ISIS, The Money Team and any person who ever attended the University of Maryland. It wasn't always this way. Running used to be called “jogging," and jogging was just a thing that bozos did when they were training to fight Apollo Creed. But now, running is a #WAY #OF #LYFE. And is singlehandedly responsible for keeping Saucony sneaks in business. And Saucony sneaks suck shit. 

I recently went to the New Balance store on Walnut Street expecting to find some dope neon-colored sneaks that would make the ladies I work with swoooooooon. Instead, the store was filled with wall-to-wall running gear, like actual running gear, including shin sleeves. An employee tried to talk to me about arch support. I don’t care about arch support. I care about lunch. 

Everything about running is stupid. The running. The running part. The running! And then there’s the whole part with the running. I don’t even like having to do that slow fake jog when someone’s holding the door for me. Just let the door close! It’s not that nice of a gesture anyway. And marathons. Geez Louize, what is the point of that? To accomplish some sort of goal? Shut up. There’s way too much emphasis on goals these days. That’s the problem with humans. We have too much ambition. Just be happy that you have feet. 

There is literally nothing impressive about running a marathon. It's just running. There's no skill. You're not dribbling a ball. Or playing an oboe. You're just slamming your feet against the hard pavement for five straight hours. There’s a crazy guy who lives outside the 7-11 at 12th and Chestnut who slams his head against the pavement all day every day. You don’t see anyone giving him a medal. You know that dude who who runs marathons while juggling? I used to think that guy was an idiot, but now, I get it. Of course he juggles! Because running is boring. Remember folks, the whole marathon thing started because some Yes Man was forced to run 26.2 miles from Marathon to Athens to deliver a message. Probably a good time to remind you that the jerk, Prometheus, dropped dead the second he arrived. So yeah, maybe it is a good thing to have goals. Mine’s to not die like an asshole. 

I know, I know, running helps you stay fit. And live longer. And not have a double chin that you’re forced to cover up by growing a beard. But fast forward to 2053 when you’ll be forced to attend your grandson’s high school graduation. I’ll be dead. And that sounds way better than sitting through some lame-o valedictorian’s speech about “the journey.”   

Don't get it twisted, people. Runners will tell you they work out for physical wellness. But we all know it’s just to tighten up their bods so people will want to have sex with them. Sure, being in good shape makes sense, and it’s nice when people want to have sex with you, but there’s plenty of other ways to stay fit: like, play basketball, or play soccer, or, well, that’s pretty much it. There’s two ways. I guess Zumba seems pretty cool too. So three ways. But those are three much better ways! 

The worst part about runners is that they’re constantly reminding us that they’re runners. Ordering salad. Wearing fitbits. JOGGING IN PLACE at every red light. Ohhhhhhhhh, I can’t possibly stop my knees from bouncing up and down! They're so bouncy! How’s my heartrate?!? Beep beep boop boop beep beep beep! 

Some of my co-workers have spent the last few months getting ready for this Sunday’s Broad Street Run. They’ve trained together after work. They’ve raised money for charity (ugh). They’ve taken over our shared refrigerator with so much lite salad dressing. 

There’s literally only one lite dressing in there.

WHAT KIND OF WAY IS THAT TO LIVE?!

But runners be runnin’. And on Sunday, 40,000 weirdos will take over Broad Street with their ear-to-ear smiles and beaming zest for life. It’s disgusting. Not to mention the band-aids covering their nips. This weekend could be the greatest sports weekend ever -- the NFL Draft, NBA and NHL Playoffs, the Kentucky Derb, #MayPac! -- and yet 40,000 people have decided to run a race?!?! I'm 38 years old, have no children and no responsibilities, and I’m going to spend my entire weekend wallowing in my own filth. I plan on spending all day Sunday recovering from watching sports all day Saturday. Unless my wife is ovulating, then I might have to spend four (or five?) minutes trying to shoot a human life form inside of her. But other than that, I'm golden.

Look, the bottom line is, I don't care what you do in this world. Shave your pits. Have sex in a dungeon. Run ‘til your precious heart explodes. But do me a favor. Shut up about your stupid shin splints for once and for all.

Unless you got ‘em by having dungeon sex. 

Then I’d love to hear more about it. 

Thank you. 

Catching up on some big Eagles stories from Week 1 of OTAs

Catching up on some big Eagles stories from Week 1 of OTAs

It was great to be back at the NovaCare Complex on Tuesday and take in an Eagles practice, even if it was non-contact. There’s a lot of buzz around the team right now, and minimal time to cover everything, so let’s dive into some of the storylines that slipped through the cracks during the first week of OTAs.

The thought that the Eagles are secretly fuming over Carson Wentz seeing a private quarterback guru seems ridiculous. It’s not uncommon for NFL players -- even quarterbacks -- to seek council during the offseason. Tom Brady did it, and I don’t recall any drama ever unfolding with the Patriots as a result of that. Perhaps some mild concern has been expressed behind closed doors, as Wentz’s mechanics are a constant work in progress, and Eagles coaches surely prefer he learn the methods they’re teaching. Then again, I highly doubt somebody earned the title of “quarterback guru” if they’re not passing along standard NFL techniques. It was an even bigger reach to suggest Doug Pederson’s displeasure over this development was on display during his press conference on Tuesday.

I’m not one to place a whole lot of stock into OTAs, but seeing rookie cornerback Rasul Douglas on the field with the first-team defense in nickel situations is a promising sign. He didn’t look out of place, either. At 6-foot-2, 209 pounds, Douglas matched up well with Alshon Jeffery. I could see his size being an asset against NFC East rivals like Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall and Terrelle Pryor -- bigger receivers the Eagles will face two times each this season. While performance in OTAs typically means squat, it was about this time last year when Jalen Mills began ascending the depth chart, and he wound up playing quite a bit. It’s early, but given the situation at cornerback, not at all far-fetched to anticipate a similar role coming for Douglas.

While I agree with the premise Nelson Agholor could improve and go on to have a respectable NFL career, Eagles teammate Brandon Graham isn’t really the most relatable example. It’s time for the seemingly annual reminder that Graham’s progression was derailed by a major knee injury as a rookie. He essentially missed the following season, and was buried on the depth chart upon returning. A year later, the defense switched to a 3-4, which was an adjustment as well. Yet, time and time again, Graham would perform at a high level whenever he got into games, finally earning his starting job back in 2015. Agholor has been a starter the past two seasons, and aside from a high ankle sprain his rookie year, he’s been relatively healthy. What’s the excuse here? Agholor may be a late bloomer, but Graham’s experience breaking into the league was vastly different.

The revelation that Vinny Curry was affected by a knee injury last season can be taken one of two ways. Some may see it as an excuse for his modest performance after signing a massive contract extension a year ago, which currently looks like an expensive mistake. I prefer to view the injury news as another reason to give Curry a slight pass. We’ve all seen what an explosive pass rusher he could be, racking up 9.0 sacks in 2014 while playing only one-third of the Eagles’ defensive snaps. If he was hampered by the knee -- Curry admitted wearing a brace for much of the season -- that could certainly help explain why he often seemed invisible. Even if he simply wasn’t very good, Curry has another opportunity to prove himself in 2017. Might as well take the optimistic outlook.

Mike Schmidt shows off new sunscreen dispensers at Citizens Bank Park

Mike Schmidt shows off new sunscreen dispensers at Citizens Bank Park

Phillies legend Mike Schmidt is teaming up with Mayor Kenney, the city of Philadelphia, Independence Blue Cross, and the Richard David Kann Melanoma Foundation to help protect you from the sun's harmful rays.

As part of the Sun Smart America initiative, the Phillies will place 12 sunscreen dispensers around Citizens Bank Park in addition to 6 dispensers located elsewhere around the city. 

This Sunday, May 28th, is also Melanoma Awareness Day at the ballpark when the Phillies host the Cincinnati Reds at 1:35. 

Schmidt will throw out the ceremonial first pitch and try to promote the importance of protecting one's skin from the sun. He knows from a trying personal experience.

"The sun almost took my life," Schmidt told the Palm Beach Post after his battle with skin cancer. He spent months going through heavy radiation and chemotherapy and is currently cancer free.

The sunscreen dispensers at the ballpark can be found at all entry gates as well as on the Rooftop, Pavillion, and Terrace levels beginning on Sunday.