Historically, Philadelphia has been known for producing some of the niftiest, roughest, most ill na na basketball players on the planet. So when Brett Brown trotted out a lineup on Monday night that consisted of Isaiah Canaan (trash), Hollis Thompson (ugh), JaKarr Sampson (appreciate the hustle, but total garbage), Richaun Holmes (amazing) and Christian Wood (stop it), I almost punched my television in the face. No disrespect to Richaun Holmes, who I honestly think doesn’t suck, but that lineup is EMBARRASSING. Whether you’re a staunch supporter of Hinkie’s process or are literally named Howard Eskin, you must admit that the current Sixers product is Spencer Hawes-esque.
SO, as I sat in my cubicle early Tuesday morning contemplating which U.S. city I should move to, I couldn’t help but reminisce about the Philly baller of yesteryear. What does that mean? I have no idea. But I Google Image searched some of my favorite Philly players and found these 15 totally awesome photos of some of the Philly area’s greatest.
Let’s start with the most Philly dude there is in the most Philly photo I found.
Rasheed Wallace: Simon Gratz
‘Sheed, chewing on a plastic straw, rockin’ a Doc throwback, with a GRAPE soda on the steps behind him. The only thing that could make this picture more Philly would be an Ishkabibble’s chicken cheesesteak (salt, pepper, ketchup, fried onions and mayonnaise) in Rasheed’s back pocket. There’s a reason this town adores Rasheed Wallace: it’s the straw.
Normally I’m anti short-sleeve shirts underneath players’ jerseys (I feel like it shows a lack of confidence, like the player is afraid to show off his guns or something), but ‘Sheed’s Fruit of the Loom looks fresh out the pack so I’ll let him slide. But if you look closely through his jersey, you’ll see that Rasheed’s undershirt actually has something printed on the front (an absolute no-no in the world of hip hop fashion), so maybe it’s actually a Hanes Beefy Tee as opposed to a Fruit of the Loomer? No idea why this is interesting to me. Absolutely no idea.
Wilt Chamberneezy: Overbrook, Warriors, Sixers
Then of course, there was Wilton Norman Chamberlain, the greatest Philly baller (and athlete!) ever. Shout out to Ms. Brooks (and her Executive raincoat) for holding it down while teaching THIRTY-SIX ten-year-olds. Can you imagine being stuck in a room all day with 36 ten-year-olds? The sad thing is, today’s Philadelphia public school teachers are still forced to work in overcrowded classrooms -- some even at the same size as Ms. Brooks’. Do you realize how RIDICULOUS that is?! Sorry, as the son of a former Philadelphia school teacher I got a little fired up there, but the point of this picture is that Wilt was really, really tall.
My favorite kid in the pic happens to be the dude in the upper right -- second from the end on the top row -- sticking his chest like Bruno Sammartino. Amazing suspenders. Amazing tie. Amazing self confidence.
Almost 50 years later, the two big men would meet. Not sure who they’re talking to here -- it has to be Sonny Hill, right? has to be -- but big ups to ‘Sheed’s jacket/shirt/Big Daddy Kane flat-top combo. Let’s not kid ourselves though, the real star of this photo is the 15-pound caterpillar chillin’ on top of Wilt’s upper lip.
Hank Gathers and Bo Kimble: Dobbins Tech
In 1990, five years after this photo was taken, soon after Hank Gathers passed away, literally every kid at Bala Cynwyd Middle School wrote the words “HANK 44EVER” on their sneakers. Bala Cynwyd’s basketball team also had essentially the same shorts as Dobbins (the 1985 Public League champs). We called them diapers.
Dawn Staley: Dobbins Tech, Temple Head Coach
This (absolutely awesome) mural (and Nike ad) of another Dobbins star, Dawn Stizzles, used to tower over Market Street. Later it became an Allen Iverson Reebok ad (that was equally as awesome). Now it’s just a wall.
Joe Jellybean Bryant: Bartram High, La Salle University, Sixers
I’ve heard stories that Jellybean used to play pickup with a toothpick in his mouth because he was just that cool. As a guy who played for him on Lower Merion’s 1992 JV squad, and watched him show up to coach wearing an all-red leather suit, I believe it.
Kobe Bean Bryant, Lower Merion
Dude on the right went onto make $323,312,307 in career earnings, but the lady on the left ain’t no slouch either. Antje Herlyn (or should I say DOCTOR Antje Herlyn) went onto Dartmouth, then to the University of California at San Francisco to get her medical degree, and now she’s an esteemed anesthesiologist in Boston. Well done Lower Merion yearbook staff, you were two-for-two on this one. Kobe’s teenage mustache is also not that horrible.
This photo, found deep in the archives of my mother’s living room, features the Kobester and his 1995 high school teammates at a pep rally before their District Finals matchup with Chester (they lost by 27). How many of these kids’ Bar Mitzvahs do you think I attended? The correct answer was three (never got the invite from Paul Swedloff). Also, what the hell are Brendan Pettit (bottom far left, amazing rebounder and shot-blocker) and Dave Lasman (upper right, incredible pony tail) looking at? Maybe kids in the bleachers were taking their pants off? We’ll never know.
Bob Sura (#25): G.A.R. Memorial (Wilkes-Barre)
Bob (I like to call him Bobby, does anyone call him Bobby?) Sura grew up in far-away Wilkes-Barre, but that didn’t stop the lovely ladies of G.A.R. Memorial High School from being caught up on the latest European fashion trends. The Harvard sweatshirt/turtleneck combo was HUGE in the late-80’s London punk scene, and I’m pretty sure the girl on the far right is wearing Ricky the Dragon Steamboat’s Intercontinental Championship belt. Honestly everyone in this picture is amazing, especially the two dudes on the ends of the front row (sitting Indian-style!). My man on the far left definitely knows how to change a spark plug while the sheepish dude on the far right needs a 30 for 30 produced about him IMMEDIATELY.
Lionel Simmons: Southern High, La Salle University
Forget about Rocky Balboa, there’s no reason there shouldn’t be a statue of Lionel Simmons in front of the SEPTA bus depot at Broad and Olney. Dude looks like he just went 12 rounds with Boom Boom Mancini. Also, in light of all the racial problems the country is currently facing, kinda nice to see a pair black and white hands clenched together on the far righthand side of the shot. God I love sports. And balloons. And deodorant that does not leave a white, flakey residue.
1992-93 Penn Quakers with Jerome Allen: Episcopal, Penn
For all you young bulls out there who never got to watch the Penn Quakers of the early 90s, they were (as my friend Noodle would say) neeeesty. They weren’t just good for an Ivy League school, they were legit GOOD, and even took down 6th-seeded Nebraska in the 1994 NCAA Tourney. Jerome “Pooh” Allen (whose favorite show was Martin, obviously) went onto play three years in the NBA, and 12 in Europe, while Matt Maloney’s claim to fame was being the starting point guard for the 1996 Houston Rockets with Clyde Drex, Charles Barks and Hakeem the Dream. Maloney however loses all street cred for having his favorite 90210 character be Brandon.
There are a bunch of other gems in these player notes, like Barry Pierce’s listing his favorite pro team as the San Jose Sharks, but the best is probably Shawn Trice saying that in 10 years he hopes to be “far from Philadelphia.” Trice is now an assistant coach at Temple.
Delonte West: St. Joe’s University
Oh, Delonte. Not a Philly-native (he’s from Greenbelt, Maryland, home to both a Chuck E. Cheese AND a Boston Market), but we should adopt him as our own. So gritty, so sneaky, and he looks so, so, so innocent here (but ready to shock the world). The Sixers should sign him just to match up with Matt Barnes when Memphis comes to town. That seems like a no-brainer.
Aaron McKie: Simon Gratz, Temple, Sixers
I’m not going to write anything here because I love these two men way, way too much.
Coach John Chaney: Simon Gratz, Cheyney University, Temple
Coach, what has happened to Philly basketball?
The truth is, there are still some ballers out there. Philly has three players in ESPN’s top 100 2016 rankings and both Roman and Goretti finished last season ranked in USA Today’s Top 25 (this preseason Roman is ranked 13th). Also, Villanova is ranked 9th in this year’s NCAA preseason poll.
Anyway, apologies for omitting SO, SO, SO MANY of the Philly-area’s greatest players: Kyle Lowry, Lynn Greer, literally every guard who has ever come out of Chester, MALIK ROSE, Earl the Pearl Monroe, Jameer Nelson, Guy Rodgers, Eddie Griffin, the Morris twins, Matty Goukas, Kristen “Ace” Clement, CUTTINO MOBLEY, Dejuan Wagner, Milt Wagner, Pooh Richardson, the Southwest Philly Floater guy, and so many more.
Also, Joshua Bernstein used to straight kill it in the Wynnewood JCC.