Who Said It: Sarge Matthews or a Child in the AT&T Commercials?

Who Said It: Sarge Matthews or a Child in the AT&T Commercials?

Congratulations, everyone!  We survived the Sisyphusian hellscape that was the 2013 Phillies season.  It hasn’t been pretty. But we had some fun, didn’t we? I said some.  If you were like many fans this season, you attended fewer games at Citizens Bank Park, so you probably found yourself watching more of the broadcasts.  This has brought you countless visits with kindergarten kids discussing the issues in AT&T commercials.  Whether fantasizing about an island made of candy, or failing to grasp the concept of puns, these kids deliver a unique kind of humor that comes from such a mixture of youth, lack of filter, and imagination you’d find in children.  Or, you know, Gary Matthews in the middle of a game.  Amazingly, if you mix a bunch of their quotes with quotes from Sarge, it’s actually quite a challenge to figure out where each line originated…

1.  If you have fast feet, everything...ends up being fast!

2.  When you're slower, you won't have to get in the street as fast and get ran over.

3.  A big fancy stadium, because you can fit more fans in there!

4.  They're all over the ballpark these days, hats.

5.  If stuff is not less, there’s more stuff.

6.  Right now, with all of the computers, you need two guys.

7.  If you put those suits on and lean your head too far out, you can tip over.

8.  And then you’ll have to stay in and then you’ll have to get shaved because you’ll be too hot.

9.  It was just the loneliest time of ever.

10. A lady buying small shoes and having bigger feet--it's gonna be really tight.

11.  If it’s big enough, you can have a disco.

12. Well you guys have all kinds of tricks up here to get your information. Here I gotta go off the top of my head, you're getting textses... text messages from different people.

13. I would give them castses if they’re hurt, colorful castses with stickers on them.

14.  They're gonna welcome them, with arms!

15. From what I hear, we've been having problems pitching and hitting on the same day. And tonight we went out and did that.

ANSWERS

Sarge:   1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15 (okay, that last one was pretty obvious, but I had to include that gem)

AT&T Commercial:   2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 13

Best of MLB: Mike Trout (thumb) leaves early as Marlins crush Angels

Best of MLB: Mike Trout (thumb) leaves early as Marlins crush Angels

MIAMI -- Mike Trout sprained his left thumb stealing second base Sunday, and the Los Angeles Angels took a thumping without him, losing 9-2 to the Miami Marlins.

Trout yelled in pain as he rose after sliding headfirst in the fifth inning. He was examined by a trainer, stayed in the game, but was replaced in the sixth. X-rays were negative, and there was no immediate timetable regarding his return.

The reigning American League MVP was 0 for 2 when he departed with the Angels trailing 4-2. He finished 2 for 9 in the series to drop his average to .337 (see full recap).

Aaron Judge hit first-career grand slam in Yankees' win
NEW YORK -- Aaron Judge hit his first career grand slam and the New York Yankees took full advantage of Oakland's shoddy defense Sunday in a 9-5 victory over the Athletics.

Michael Pineda (6-2) tossed six innings of three-hit ball to win his third straight start. Aaron Hicks and Chris Carter each had an early sacrifice fly as the AL East leaders scored five unearned runs and took two of three in a well-pitched series.

Judge connected with two outs in the third for his 16th home run, tying Mike Trout of the Angels for the big league lead. The drive landed in the right-field seats, not far in front of The Judge's Chambers cheering section installed by the Yankees for the start of this 4-2 homestand.

Khris Davis hit his 15th home run for the A's, who committed two more costly errors to raise their season total to 49. They began the day with 10 more than any other team in the majors.

The fielding failures put starter Andrew Triggs (5-4) in tough situations. He went six innings and gave up one earned run (see full recap).

Miguel Gonzalez loses perfect game in seventh, but pitches White Sox to win
CHICAGO -- Miguel Gonzalez took a perfect game into the seventh inning, Todd Frazier hit a two-run homer and the Chicago White Sox beat the Detroit Tigers 7-3 on Sunday.

Melky Cabrera and Matt Davidson also connected, helping the White Sox take three of four in the series. David Robertson got two outs for his seventh save.

Gonzalez (4-5) allowed three runs and six hits in 7 2/3 innings while snapping a five-start losing streak. The right-hander struck out six and walked none.

Gonzalez retired his first 18 batters before Andrew Romine led off the seventh with a hard one-hop liner to shortstop Tim Anderson, who couldn't field the ball cleanly and was originally charged with an error. Alex Avila followed with a single into to right field, and Romine's ball was later changed to a hit (see full recap).

Gone but not forgotten: Joel Embiid remembers Harambe on 1-year anniversary of death

Gone but not forgotten: Joel Embiid remembers Harambe on 1-year anniversary of death

Gone, but not forgotten … as long as Sixers superstar center Joel Embiid has his way.

On the one-year anniversary of Harambe's death, Embiid remembered the slain gorilla on Instagram with the caption: "Gone but never forgotten #RIPHarambe."

The Instagram post was accompanied by a picture of Harambe along with a longer message and acquired over 22,700 likes within the first 37 minutes of its posting.

Gone but never forgotten #RIPHarambe

A post shared by Joel "The Process" Embiid (@joelembiid) on

There are some factual errors in Embiid's post, however. The picture stated that Harambe "would've been 18 today," which was posted Sunday.

Harambe's birthday was May 27, 1999. He would have been 18 years and one day old Sunday.

This was not Embiid's first participation in the Harambe Internet meme.

Regardless, the tragic killing of Harambe, a popular male gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, sparked outrage and then Harambe became an Internet meme.